03-01 The Worst PMO Addict I Have Yet to Meet

The Worst PMO Addict I Have Yet to Meet

Perhaps I should begin by describing my competence for writing this book. No, I am not a doctor or a psychiatrist; my qualifications are far more appropriate. I spent thirty years of my life as a confirmed fapper. In the later years I used porn on a daily bases to get orgasm(s).During my life I had made a great number of attempts to stop. I never got past a full week of abstinence, and I was still climbing up the wall, with an “annoying alarm clock beeping” in my head called craving. With most PMOers, on the health side, it’s a question of “ I’ll stop before it happens to me.” I had reached the stage where I knew it has caused PIED, hypofrontality (inability to control and execute action towards a goal), irritability, lack of energy, soulless eyes, mental dryness, stress and pain in the lower back, genital irritations. It bothered me, but it still didn’t stop me.

I felt lack of enthusiasm to go to gym or just a walk even if it’s sunny outside or simple weight lifting at home either. I had reached the stage where I gave up even trying to stop. I found excuses in substitute methods (controlled use, safe porn, porn-diet and etc. discussed later) as advocated by sexologists, forum users and medical pros - who have no idea of its effect on brain chemistry and who are themselves fooled by their ’little monster’ (not devil or satan - we will talk about monsters later) . The novelty trap and shock value provided by internet porn delivered at home with a low risk high reward deal is something that they can’t even think of. They are still in the static playboy era. And the younger ones have buried their heads under the sand so they can still continue to PMO.

The worst part is it was not so much that I enjoyed the PMO. It was just doing it routinely, a chore - like slipping down the water slides, in fact there are brain water slides greased well by the neurochemicals (DeltaFosB proteins made by dopamine which store emotion scripts for easy recall, will be discussing later). A simple cue such as a commercial, or a day to day stress that got ‘relieved’ temporarily by PMO is all it takes to complete the ride down the ‘waterslide’. Some time in their lives most PMOers have suffered from the illusion that they enjoy the ride, the novelty, the rush and of course the orgasm, but I never had that illusion.

I have most times detested the porn, even when I liked the orgasm. But at all times I thought a release from PMO helped me to relax. It gave me courage and confidence, and I was always miserable when I tried to stop, never being able to visualize an enjoyable life without PMO. And so my PMO habit which had started before my marriage stayed with me during and after my marriage was over. I had experienced PIED but I blocked it out and found excuses , “it happens to every man”. Well it does of course - but ‘it’ happened to me again and again. My penis, I found it difficult to get hard - when I am with real woman. Could it be because I had habituated it to work in limp mode? Later I found that it was hard for me to get hard even with porn.

My girlfriend gave a book by Dr David Burns - which I liked very much. I also practiced the exercises and got interested in it. Through the book I came to know of Dr. Abraham Low and his books on rational therapy - it is now known as Recovery International. At the same time - my soon to be ex-wife also sent me to a therapist. I completed therapy - and was getting out of my mental rut and started a new beginning in my life. I continued my reading and self education from the above two authors and started to read about REBT and Dr. Albert Ellis. I poured into all of his books and got myself well trained in REBT. I still practice it on a daily bases. I do ABC write ups (and DE and F as well)¹ and actively journal my daily endorsements. I keep my DML (daily mood logs) and Endorse documents in an online spreadsheet.

I was able to spot my rigid beliefs, exaggerations, self-rating and low frustration tolerance and immediately self-talk myself to have healthy negative emotions when needed. I was able to get my alcohol intake under control, cigarettes were on and off, and I rode through divorces. The point is that I was able to go through them all with the lowest disturbance in any random test set of divorced 40 yr old guys. However, I was still struggling with the occasional excesses that are inevitable with alcohol. I absolutely hated the cigarettes. I was aware of my (and the little monster’s) efforts to dig a hole and hide my head in sand about my daily PMO affecting my sex life. I had two incidences of PIED, and found substitutes in getting a fleshlight to simulate a female vagina and also as a form of stamina training.

I then somehow landed on the Amazon page of Allen Carr’s best seller book on how to stop smoking. I used it to quit my smoking by the time I completed the reading. I felt so light and happy about quitting, how can I not be, I don’t have the feelings of misery and self-sacrifice. I don’t even feel the ‘resistance to temptations’ that most feel which taxes their will power. I know I found something that will work for me. Now, cigarettes are not the society’s favourite anyway and it carried a social stigma so that would be easy, right? I then challenged myself to my next problem, alcohol - where my frequent excesses were starting to bother me. I realized that I am finding excuses and minimizing my nasty and shameful drunken behaviours many times. I can also see I am using it as a crutch and also as pleasure - but more of the former. I guess that it has to do my nature of being melancholic. And yes, I was able to kick that habit as well.

I then naturally applied the same techniques on PMO as well. With a little bit of doubt I have to agree. But as I started to relate his Method to PMO I found a lot of the ‘big monster’ (not devil or Satan, we will talk about it later) brainwash and social conditioning were pretty much the same. I later read on YBOP that the brain reacts the same in all these above cases as well thus confirming my deduction. The important discovery that I made during this time is there is nothing called controlled use. Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, porn, masturbation etc. I came to know about Karezza from YBOP and Reunited site and I thank them for that. Karezza’s separation of the ‘amative’ and the ‘propagative’ nature of sex is one of the keys to this method. You are welcome to read about Karezza method, though you may not accept the idea of not having orgasms as your goal in sex - you will see that there is a high degree of logic in their assertion that sex has two sides the amative and the propagative. Efforts on self-holding can turn out be deeply seductive on your partner too.

During those awful years as a PMO user I thought that my life depended on this pleasure that I allowed myself in the nights, and I was prepared to die rather than be without them. Today when someone asks me whether I ever have the odd pang, the answer is, ‘Never, never, never’ - just the reverse. I’ve had a marvellous life. I have been a very lucky man, but the most marvellous thing that has ever happened to me is being freed from that nightmare, that slavery of having to go through life systematically destroying my self-worth, handicapping my ability to experience natural full arousals, seeking immediate pleasures at the cost long term gains, and torturing myself with physical fatigue for a momentary surge.

Let me make it quite clear from the beginning: I am not trying to become a mystic. I do not believe in magicians or fairies. I have a scientific brain, and I couldn’t understand what appeared to me like magic. I started reading up on hypnosis and on PMO. Nothing I read seemed to explain the miracle that had happened. Why had it been so ridiculously easy to stop, whereas previously it had been weeks of black depression?

It took me a long time to work it all out, basically because I was going about it back to front. I was trying to work out why it had been so easy to stop, whereas the real problem is trying to explain why PMOers find it difficult to stop. PMOers talk about the terrible withdrawal pangs. but when I looked back and tried to remember those awful pangs, they didn’t exist for me. There was no physical pain. It was all in the mind.

I am very happy in helping other people to kick the habit. I’m very, very successful. Let me emphasize from the start: there is no such thing as a confirmed PMOer addict. Anybody can not only stop but find it easy to stop. It is basically fear that keeps us in the porn trap: the fear that life will never be quite as enjoyable without PMO and the fear of feeling deprived. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Not only is life just as enjoyable without them but it is infinitely more so in many ways and extra health, energy and well-being are the least of the advantages.

All PMOers can find it easy to stop porn - even you! All you have to do is read the rest of the book with an open mind. The more you can understand, the easier you will find it. Even if you do not understand a word, provided you follow the instructions, you will find it easy. Most important of all, you will not go through life moping for PMO or feeling deprived. The only mystery will be why you did it for so long.

Let me issue a warning. There are only two reasons for failure with my method:

1. FAILURE TO CARRY OUT INSTRUCTIONS Some people find it annoying that I am so dogmatic about certain recommendations. For example, I will tell you not to try cutting down or using substitutes (porn diet, safe porn etc.). The reason why I am so dogmatic is because I know my subject. I do not deny that there are many people who have succeeded in stopping using such ruses, but they have succeeded in spite of, not because of them. There are people who can make love standing on a hammock, but it is not the easiest way. Everything I tell you has a purpose: to make it easy to stop and thereby ensure success. The numbers for opening the lock is in this book, however there is the right order, that is to go from one chapter to the next and to avoid jumping.
2. FAILURE TO UNDERSTAND Do not take anything for granted. Question not only what I tell you but also your own views and what society has taught you about amative-propagative sex, internet porn, karezza. For example, those of you who think it is just a habit, ask yourselves why other habits, some of them enjoyable ones, are easy to break, yet a habit that feels awful, costs us energy and time and kills our virility is so difficult to break. Those of you who think you enjoy PMO, ask yourselves why other things in life, which are infinitely more enjoyable, you can take or leave. Why do you have to have the PMO and panic sets in if you don’t?